Dateline: 2014
Well...your Fairies have won two more Intergalactic Street Hockey Pro-League Championships! The 2014 season played out pretty much as one might expect: "Hammer" laying down the Big Stick to slug out win after win, taking the very green and very white "Steamer" along for the ride. Once the dust settled, your Fairies managed to capture their second SHPL Championship on June 8th.
"It was a brilliant season for our team. You know... I just brought the heat. Taking 'Steamer' under my wing and watching him accept the first of his two 'Rookie of the Year' titles was just scrumptious." -Hammer
"Watching 'Big Oak' not take the SHPL championship paddle home was worth all of the hard-core steroids and late-night, all-dude showers I took." -Steamer
Dateline: 2015
The year started out rough for the Fairies. Losing four of the first five games, the Fairies had a hard time recapturing the magic of their dominant 2014 season. Team owner "Sterling" mixed up the roster during the annual "Sausage Fest" double-header by signing Chilean houseboy "FUBU" to a rookie max, 12-oz contract. After taking a week to not practice, the Fairies came back and evened the season by week nine.
"Not only can 'FUBU' play some fast-paced street hockey, but that Taco Jockey can landscape a yard." - SterlingFinishing the season winning three of the last four games, the Fairies took the 2015 SHPL championship by virtue of the league Flag Day rule:
"Shit." -Big OakGardeners power forward, "Chaz," finished the season with a staggering 21,000 penalty minutes. The Gardeners franchise was mired in the dubious transformation of "Chaz's" phsyic through the season. According to team records, the 6 -oot Chaz started the season weighing in at 145 pounds with a normal sized scrotum. By season close, the muscled-up and rage-fulled "Chaz" had a number of run-ins with the Winston-Salem police department. Culminating with an all-night fender-bender bender. Rumors abound of Chaz having hit as many as 7 parked cars within 1 mile of the Gardeners' headquarters.
"I really miss having testicles. On the bright-side - it makes my penis look bigger." -ChazFuture hall of famer "Hammer" finished both the 2014 and 2015 campaigns taking SHPL top honors.
"That son of a bitch can play some f-ing street hockey. He just has an amazing ability to adapt to any hockey situation. He is a winner. Bravo 'Hammer!' " -Republican Presidential Hopeful Donald Trump
Dateline: 2016
The off-season started with one of pro-sports' biggest blockbuster trades: GM "Hammer" dealt "Steamer" to the Gardeners for an unheard-of sum of malted ounces. The deal, that runs for two years, guarantees a "40 ounce High Life" for all away games and 72 ounces for all home games. "Big Oak" loosened his notoriously tight purse strings to try and gain an edge on the mighty Fairies.
"With 'Chaz' in Charlotte undergoing therapy for his gender reassignment surgery, I knew I had the capital and cap space to make a monumental move on my roster. Having the opportunity to bring in 'Steamer' to mentor rookie 'Big Rob' is really going to bring a lot of hope to the 'Tampax Flow Dome' this year. Of course, this is until we have our inevitable mid-season collapse." -Big Oak"Sterling" continues to hone her keen eye for young talent. Scouting in French Canada, "Sterling" signs Iowan expatriate "Darkness" to a 2-game provisional contract with an option for a two-year, 12 ounce deal. In a twist that can only happen in the SHPL, the Gardeners use Fairies' rookie "Darkness" to help them the win in the season opener. Fortunately for the Fairies, they close the 2 year deal with "Darkness" and are able to take two from the Gardeners in the annual "Sausage Fest" double header.
The season series is currently 2-1 in the Fairies' favor.
